literature

Shoot for the Moon

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shayerahol22's avatar
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Literature Text

They told him that if he shot for the moon, he would land amongst the stars.

They were fools.

But he had believed them once. He had tried, oh how he had tried, working every second of every day to make his dreams come true. He jumped when he walked, a child filled with illusion and brimming with imagination. He was practicing for that one great leap that would make him celestial, that one throw of faith that would send him out of orbit.

His legs grew strong from this, but he was never able to jump high enough.

He was stuck, completely pinned down by the gravity of everyday life, held in place by the regulations of the universe and his own fears.

By the time he came to stand on the top of the towering building, he had stopped hopping. Instead, he shuffled, moving as though his feet weighed a thousand tons and were glued to the ground by an impossibly large magnetic force.

They told him that if he shot for the moon, he would land amongst the stars. But as he flung himself from the towering building, as his body eclipsed the moon hanging just out of reach in the sky, he didn't achieve the dreams that had become so flimsy since the long-gone days of his youth. He merely fell, landing not with a starlit twinkle but with a splat, and not among the stars, but on the unforgiving concrete in the deserted streets of the city.

The twinkling night sky was his only witness.
Written for a contest on gaia.

[link]

Wish me luck~
© 2010 - 2024 shayerahol22
Comments13
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Mattiello's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

"His legs grew strong from this, but he never could jump high enough"

the italicized represents your shift into passive voice rather than continuing in active voice. Should, could, would are examples of passive voice that basically infers that the character or writer is passive about the situation. I would suggest changing the italicize to something like "but he had never been able to jump high enough".

The benefits of active voice lay in stories, ideas, poems, etc that relay powerful emotions and experiences. Active voice, is needed to relay those though in a form that the reader can more powerfully connect with; it is like a conduit between the reader and the author where no loss of emotion or experience occurs.

Remember my piece, "The Officer's Realm"? directly before the sentence that you gave a wonderful suggestion on, I wrote: "Above the chest lies the stern face of a man that does". The quote is active voice and helps to show the makeup of the character. What if I had used passive voice instead? Above the chest lies the stern face of a man that should do." Using active voice makes the character less of a doer, less of man of action, less of a soldier.

So, for stories like the one you have here and the one I mentioned, you need to try to stay in active voice rather than passive. Staying in active voice will make your character more strong, relaying his emotions and experiences exceptionally well.

Sort through your story and try to identify and change your passive voice.

spellcheck: "thee" is "the".


I think you did well enough though. I liked the idea and enjoyed your use of imagery.